Stressful Days

Stressful Days

Have you ever felt like absolutely nothing positive is happening in your life for days?  Do events seem to be completely out of your control, and every time you attempt to do something positive you get a "NO!" response?  What can you do in these times of frustration to try to calm your fears and anxiety?  I am going through one of those periods currently, and I am struggling to not panic and take tiny steps forward against very strong winds on a slippery slope.

So, what am I facing?  I was in a car accident a few weeks ago.  My car was totaled, which in and of itself is not a big concern.  My injuries were relatively minor, just some contusions and sprains.  My worst injury was a sprained back.  I am still working to get back my flexibility and strength, and I still deal with pain in my muscles.  Once again, this is not a big deal when looked at separately.  However, I have been out of work and am quickly running out of funds.  I must file paperwork from a doctor for leave, and it must be done timely or risk losing my job.  I must get medical release to go back to work.  This sounds easy enough.  The other driver was at fault, and one can reasonably expect the other party's insurance cover all costs.  Unfortunately, insurance companies are not reasonable and like to only pay after all treatment has been completed, and this includes lost wages.  Due to insurance and other policies at doctors' offices these days, either you must prepay even if you have personal health insurance, the office will not see any patients for car accident related injuries, or some other policy issue leaves you without an appointment.  Seeing your regular doctor once does not seem to matter if you want to see him or her again.  The office has the no-accident policy, and it is simply too bad that the policy was over looked last time.  Now, however, other doctors will not see you because you have already seen one doctor.  This is where the frustration starts to build and anxiety starts to reach a crippling level.  Other really minor things like a sauce pan springing a leak, the flapper in the toilet suddenly needs replacing, a bill you thought had arranged to keep low is larger than expected, the documents you need are in a lock box and the key is no longer where it belongs on your key chain, and other issues just make it harder and harder to function.  How am I going to get through this?

One of my coping skills is talking about it in some fashion.  This includes this blog, posting in groups online, and even talking to the staff at doctors' offices who empathize but are stuck in their situation as well; they did not make the policies, but are forced to apply them, even though they agree it is simply sick.  

A second skill I am trying is extra rest and deep breathing.  I take short naps as I need to, or go for a walk to rest the mind.  It helps for a while, but eventually I must start acting again.  Reducing the anxiety allows me to take or at least attempt to take a few more positive steps.

Thirdly, I am pacing myself as I keep trying to contact more doctors, keep my employer informed, and update the third party leave administrator [which never seems to reply to my requests for information].  I'll make a few phone calls, or stop by some doctor offices, and then do something else; yesterday I did my laundry.  At a certain hour of the day, it is simply time to stop.  This is work, and my work day cannot be too long or I will get sick and I know it.  So, I end my day around 5 pm for these issues.  

Another important coping skill I am using is admitting I need help and asking for it.  I had hoped to get to one agency this morning, but was on the phone all morning trying to find a doctor or seeking assistance; I will have to simply try again next week.  I called my case manager, and she at least indicated I will likely have rent assistance if it is necessary, and though she does not know of a medical resource, she is going to help search for one.  I dialed 2-1-1, the national hotline for finding assistance, to see if there are other resources to try.  I was given some suggestions, but they are already all on my list.  The  operator seemed to care and sought additional input from the research department, but found nothing.  Apparently, I will have to seek legal assistance, something that will raise my anxiety level and I hoped to avoid, but I can at least be satisfied I am taking any and all steps I can think of to move forward.  

Trying to keep a sense of humor about the collective situations is helpful, too.  I am not in control of most of this, so I need to find a way to laugh about it.  This makes it easier for me to look for aspects over which I can exercise some control.  

What am I going to do next?  I am not sure of what steps to take regarding the issues to be honest. However, I will make sure I eat, rest, and take my medicines.  My phone minutes will soon be gone, so I am limiting phone calls for now. though I would like very much to talk with my counselor.  I am allowing myself more time to play games.  Treating myself is important, so I might spend coins on something sweet.  Taking a bubble bath helps to ease the pain in my back and is relaxing, too, so my tub has seen more occupation time.  My dog likes to get extra attention when I am stressed, for which I am thankful.  In short, I am going to do my best to use every coping skill I know to take care of myself.  I have to focus on me, not what the world expects.  If I focus on something else, my life will get far too blurry and the world's expectations will become even more elusive.

Many Benefits of Berries

Many Benefits of Berries

I'm having a rather poor day today, hung over from some medications to help me recover from an injury. My thoughts are cloudy, I keep falling asleep, I feel a bit depressed, etc.  I decided to ask for topics to write about in one of my groups, and I have received a long list that continues to grow.  Some I would have to research extensively, some I'd need to read a long time, and others I'm trying to figure out what I could possibly say about them.  One of the topics is "Berries and antioxidants," and this is the one I am going to write about, but pretty much just the berries.  Berries can help in a number ways you might not have considered, and many ways you may already use.  Since I am not particularly alert or energetic, I am not going to do this as a scholarly post.  I lack the energy and motivation to do research.  A few other bloggers have tackled this topic, so perhaps you can look for "Berries and Mental Health" in a search to get more information.

This is what I am going to say antioxidants.  Berries are full of them, and other beneficial chemicals. Phytochemicals, vitamins, and minerals are common nutrients, and many berries are full of fiber.  Needless to say, these are all healthy things, body and mind.

Now, to the berries.  What are some healthful benefits of berries I did not mention above?  Some you already know, and some you might not have thought about too much.  

Here in the northern hemisphere, berries are starting to set or already ripe and ready to be gathered. Perhaps this can be a motivation to get you out of the house and exercising.  Have you had fun experiences in the past, or maybe ones you can laugh at now that were not so pleasant when they happened? I would love to go for a hike in the woods, a field, along a creek, or other place to pick berries.  Being outside tends to improve my mood, as do listening to the birds, seeing flowers and fauna, and maybe talking to another person passing by or also picking berries.   By the simple task of going out to pick berries, I am using a number of coping skills already.

Now that I have my berries, what can I do to use berries to aid how I feel?   Eating some fresh is one, of course, because this is an awesome treat!  I can share some with a neighbor who is housebound.  I like to cook, so I can make something, whether it be a sauce, jelly, a pie, muffins, or something else.  Since I like to cook and I like to try new things, I can grab a cook book or use my imagination for a new recipe.  Once again, I am using quite a few coping skills.  

Now is time to get creative.  Have you ever tried to make your own dye?  I have not, but I imagine berries are a good source for pigments.  Maybe trying a new craft is just what will pull you out of the darkness, and then you can build from there.  Why not use crushed berries as they are for paint?  Get out a piece of paper, a canvas, or a tortilla, and finger paint using the paint.  For the tortilla, perhaps you will also want to use some chocolate sauce, caramel, whipped cream, or a mix of fine sugar and water for other colors.  When you are done with your masterpiece, you can enjoy it as a tasty snack!  Sure, that might sound silly.  Silliness is one of the very useful coping skills!

Since I have mentioned crafts, another idea is making your own essential oils or flavored vinegars. I do not know how to do this, but I imagine vinegars are fairly simple.  They can be made for either visual impact, or as flavorings.  I was given some blueberry balsamic vinegar for Christmas, and it is truly wonderful!  I make some interesting cole slaw using the vinegar, dried berries, and a few other things.  

How many coping skills are involved in the uses of berries I have mentioned?  I am not going to try to list them, as I am sure I will miss some.  The point is this:  simple activities or things you like can be used in a number of ways to help you cope, and perhaps help other people at the same time.  

I Can't Sleep, June 5, 2014

Why Can't I Get Back To Sleep?

Early Morning June 2, 2014

One of the issues which can really frustrate me at times is battles with sleep.  I have all sorts of them. Sometimes I cannot stay awake, other times I cannot sleep at all, maybe I cannot fall asleep easily, I can have trouble waking up, or I can walk around in a semi-awake haze.  This morning, I woke up at about 2:30 am, and I did not have the help of my neighbors for a change.  I tried to go back to sleep, but it simply did not work.  So, I got up and started doing things, hoping to tire enough to get back to sleep.  What did I do?

First, I got up and looked around.  I thought about playing a game for a while, but my computer was not connecting to the internet.  I looked around more, and saw I needed to do some cleaning up.  I decided to start collecting any paper I needed to throw away, mail I needed to open or file, etc.  I did this for about 30 minutes, and made a nice dent in the mess.  Have I ever mentioned this is one of my major struggles, and I do not understand how or why this can be?  It felt darn good, but when I tried to get back to sleep, I still could not sleep.

Second, I thought, "Okay, maybe a nice warm shower will relax me.  Besides, the heat is good for my back.  I do not know why the muscle relaxers have not left me asleep tonight.  [I an recovering from a car accident.]" The shower felt really great, and though I felt more relaxed, I still could not sleep.

Next, I decided to take a walk.  Since I cannot sleep, I might as well enjoy the time.  A hot cappuccino sounded like a good way to treat myself, so I walked to the nearby truck stop, went inside, and tried to get some coffee.  As luck would have it, several of the dispensers were empty, so, instead of getting upset, I made a mixture.  I seem to be good at mixing things, particularly mud.  I only took a few dollars with me to make sure I did not overspend.  After buying the drink, I looked for other options.  "What, no sausages or hot dogs?  What are these people thinking?"  I could find nothing, so I came back to my hovel.  

When I walked in, my dog, Sara, was telling me, "OHHH, HI MASTER!!!  What'd ya bring me?  Huh Huh Huh?"  I tried to get her to be calm, but she was not going to have it.  If master gets to take a walk at 3 am, so does she!  So I took her for a walk.  Now she is all curled up snoozing.

Obviously, since I am writing this at 5:38 am, I did not get to sleep.  I decided to write about not sleeping and check what has been going on in my FB groups.  Hopefully, after reading, you realize that sometimes when you cannot sleep, getting up and doing something is a healthy thing to do.  Perhaps it will allow you to get back to sleep, but, if not, instead of laying there dwelling on the fact, getting up and doing something can be helpful and healthful in many ways.  Of course, treating yourself is good anytime, just remember to do things in moderation.  What can you do when you cannot sleep?

Simplification for Serenity

Before my illness made its dramatic entry into my life, I was a relatively organized, active, and tidy person.  I had a good paying job and was able to purchase most things I wanted.  I had excellent credit, though I rarely kept a balance other than on my car and home.  I lived a fairly complex life, and I was able to use basic tools to handle things pretty well.  I filed, paid my bills on time, and did other things.  Much of this began to deteriorate as I took care of my mother with dementia.  Eventually, after mom was out of the home, the pressure valve on my stress blew and I went into mania, mixed states, and depression.  My now eroded skills all but fell apart.  Now I am working to rebuild skills to cope again.

Once I became dysfunctional, I slept on the couch in the living room, used the guest bathroom, the kitchen, and my computer room. It was like living in a one bedroom apartment.  I realized I needed to downsize.  The housing crunch had just hit, and the value of my home was gone. Plus, I had become messy due to my illness.  Between trying new medicines and just surviving, I sometimes was too out of it to remember to take my dogs out.  It was not pleasant at all.  I would have good times where I would make progress cleaning, but these were always short.  The situation only fed my illness. I let some people live with me for a time, and that helped for a while, too, but ultimately that turned into a situation that wasn't the best.  Things just got worse and worse.  

Eventually, relatives came to get me to live with them.  I lost the home, my car, sold most of my useless stuff, and lost much of myself.  I was and am very grateful for my family and their sacrifices, but living with them was not a good solution.  I stayed too long for it to be healthy for any of us.  I found a job thanks to their support, encouragement, and prodding.  I have now moved into a studio, an old hotel room.  It leaves much to be desired, but in many ways it is far healthier for me.  I can be myself, rest as I need, or do what I choose to without inconveniencing anyone, and not feel I have to take part in something I know is not going to be healthy for me.  In short, living on my own has made my life much simpler and serene.

I have way too much stuff crammed into my apartment, so the messy bug followed me, but I can at least make strides on that at my own pace.  I have more stuff, but that is all it is, really, stuff, that I rarely used, likely will not use, or was holding for my family, stored elsewhere.  I cannot drag things around for my family any more.  If they want something, it is up to them to take possession.  The rest needs to be given away, recycled, or trashed in some fashion.  I do not need the burden of dust collecting stuff junking up my peace and health.  

I decided that instead of hanging things on the wall, if I want to decorate, my best option is to paint something on the wall or use appliques.  This reduces the effort of having to take things down, dust them, wash glass, polish wood, and many other cleaning chores.  Why make more work for myself when I have little energy?  Why worry about what others think?  If they do not approve, they need not visit.  That simplifies life, too, because I no longer am worrying about those all-important appearances which can consume people's lives.  

In the kitchen, I tried to reduce the number of pots and pans I keep.  I like cooking, so I probably still have more than other people, and that is fine.  I got rid of my sets of dishes and silverware, and bought a mismatched collection of items for myself.  If I want, I can change it up and make it fun.  These things are cheap at garage sales and thrift stores!  For times when I have company, I have plastic and paper.  I also use these when I am in a funk.  Part of me does not like to do this because I hate all the waste we create, but since it helps me to be healthier, I do it.  

My vehicle was downsized for me.  This was a good thing.  Why do I need a fancy vehicle I have to wash, spend tons of money on insurance, high car payments, and other maintenance when I can have a perfectly good older car that runs efficiently, has lower cost insurance, no payments, and no more costs for maintenance than the new vehicle?  Pride?  A vehicle is a tool.  It needs to be maintained well.  I need to have a tool to suit my needs.  A simple vehicle can do that.  Sure, I'd like something more than that because of things I'd like to do, but, currently, the reality is I can do neither, so why worry about it?  I will be able to do so again someday if I live more wisely.

I try to think of ways to simplify often.  This thinking is beneficial in its own right.  I am not consumed by it, but I have learned that living simply leaves me with far more contentment and joy than trying to keep up with society's emphasis on materialism.  Why do I need all of those complications?  I am talented and do things quicker with my hands and a simple tool than I can with these fancy gadgets that are coming out all the time.  Why do I want the hassle of having a fancy smart phone where I can be tracked, bothered, and distracted all at the same time?  I do not.  I like thinks simpler now.  Unless something has a good purpose for me, I do not want it complicating my life!

An Old Poem: The Hue Blue

An Old Poem:  The Hue Blue

I am not feeling well today, so instead of writing something completely new, I am sharing a poem I wrote long ago.  If you like, make a comment of what the poem means to you and what you think it means for me.  Why did I write the poem?  Utto....  In any case, I hope you appreciate the poem.  That does not mean you have to like it, though.  

The Hue Blue

Have you ever wondered about people who say they are blue?

What does this mean? I see not skin of blue hue,

nor do I see a blue sheen.

Sometimes I see blue mascara or blue hair,

but what do I care?

I find the hue blue is good for me and you!

The sky is blue, ranging from Indigo to Baby!

The oceans and seas are often cerulean, tiffany, or maya

Why, even our pants are blue!

Brandeis, Denim, and Egyptian,

we wear them all without contrition!

Without our blue ink, people would put up quite a stink!

We like federal, Han and Persian,

Royal, Steel, and Prussian.

Jewels we have to see!

Cobalt, Sapphire, Ultramarine

Colleges, too, blue they be!

Cambridge, Eton, Duke, Columbia, Oxford, and Yale,

Come on and don't be stale!

Our forces in arms stand honor guard in blue,

Air Force and Navy, Marines too

Flowers we see, blue they often be,

periwinkle, cornflower, iris

Perhaps blue is the color of Osiris

I am bipolar,

and sometimes I need to cry on a shoulder.

At times I get depressed,

but this is not a time of blueness,

weak it is to say this is a time of stress.

Depression is a state of deadness,

not even a deep sadness.

Depression has no feeling,

my thoughts my illness stealing.

Do You Have an Emotional Light Switch?

"Do you believe in being able to switch off certain feelings/emotions?"

This question was asked in one of the online support groups I joined by someone I will call Dave.  This is a very good question, and the discussion on the thread was lively and interesting.  So, what do I think?  My reply follows:

Emotions are often choices, though brain chemistry can indeed play a huge factor. When anger is an immediate response to some stimulus, we can either choose to stay angry or decide to replace the anger with a more positive emotion, remove ourselves from the stimulus, or take control of the situation if possible. This may not be what you mean, but emotions are something we can learn to have far more control over than we might believe!

Why do I feel this way?  My attitude is the result of therapy, attending support groups, participating in a coping skills' class, experience, and research.  Long ago, I decided anger was simply too destructive to allow it to take over my life for more than a moment at a time, so I learned to cope with it by laughing at the ridiculousness of the stimulus, removing myself from the situation, or intense exercise. In coping skill's class, led by therapists, we talked about the basics of how emotions work, in particular anger, and how we can choose to gain more control over the emotions.  The goal is not to become free of emotions, negative or positive.  Emotions are important, even the negative ones.  Keeping negative emotions for a prolonged period when they do not serve a purpose is destructive, however, and is perhaps most destructive to the person holding the anger.  

Anger, fear, anxiety, panic, and, believe it or not, love share many of the same brain pathways, physical and chemical, based on what I learned.  Some of the responses apparently originate in the "simple brain", also known as the brain stem.  The responses to a stimulus can be viewed as a "freeze, flight, or fight" response.  In a sense, this is instinct.  Animals respond in much the same way, and many have a similar brain stem.  For example, the first time you encounter a dog, the dog might be very nervous around you, and so growl, bark, shake, or even run away.  The dog might always respond this way if it views you as a threat for some reason, or it might learn to accept you quickly or gradually.  Does the dog remain scared of you when you are not there?  I do not think so, but I really do not know.  So, if something happens to make a person angry, like the dog, the person can either learn to grow more comfortable in the situation, leave the situation, or, if warranted, maintain a defensive response each time the situation is encountered.  Is it healthy to dwell on the situation when it is not present?  Probably not.  Is it a good idea to develop options for that type of situation if it occurs again?  Probably.  What is the difference between dwelling and preparing?  If you had a bad experience with a dog when you were young, you might be afraid of all dogs now.  With time, this fear can be overcome, though this is not easy. Fear of dogs can also be learned, or "inherited," from parents or friends who have phobias.  I wonder if there is terminology for phobias based on experience versus phobias that are simply "there."  

At one time in my life, I functioned like a high performance robot outwardly.  I had turned off my emotions either voluntarily or involuntarily.  I was numb,  Physical pain was "enjoyable" because I at least felt something, but I did not intentionally hurt myself.  When I was working, at school, or doing things with my friend, I seemed to be doing very well in the eyes of others.  On one hand, I out-performed just about everyone, while on the other hand I had a very hard time maintaining relationships, making friends, or feeling happy.  Though I smiled and laughed, I cannot say I was happy. I was merely responding.  I was suicidal if I was not busy or asleep.  My list of activities was long, so I stayed busy and had little time to be a danger to myself.  I did not realize it at the time, but my activities were my coping skill.  Now, I know I was in a mixed state.  Today, I understand the difference between happiness, contentment, sadness/the blues, mania, hypo-mania, and depression.  

Learning to understand myself as well as I do took a great deal of effort and time.  I will always have much to learn, and I know that.  Every day I try to take a look at my feelings, and, if possible, understand why they are the way they are.  Sometimes I can put my finger on some incident that resulted in the feelings, and other times I cannot.  When I cannot, I know enough about how I respond to my medications to have some understanding of problems with my neurochemistry.  I then try hard to do what is necessary to restore balance, whether it is spending more time in the sun, sleeping more or less, exercising, monitoring my medications more closely, paying more attention to my diet, or talking to my doctor or therapist if the issues persist.  I have learned to do my best to be in control to the extent possible.  As I will often say, "sometimes my best is very good, and sometimes my best is horrible.  Still, I can only do my best and try to do better in the future."

My Label Collection and Fred

My Label Collection and Fred

Have you ever gone into a bar or maybe gone to a party and watched people peel labels off of beer or other bottles?  Maybe this is something you do yourself?  Some people I asked said, "Oh, I collect them.  I like to try new beers and I put the labels in a box later."  Other people could not explain why they did it, though I have some ideas.  So, what about my label collection?  What kind of labels do I collect?  Chances are, you collect them, too, if you have a BPSI or MI.  

I collect labels that some people called diagnoses.  Here is a partial list of the labels in my collection:

• ADHD
• Depression (clinical of course)
• Aggravated Depression
• Depression with ADHD
• Depression with Anxiety
• Dysthymia
• Anxiety (NOS)
• Mixed Personality Disorder (NOS)
• Seasonal Affective Disorder
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• Bipolar Disorder Type II

I missed quite a few others!  I am not particularly worried about what labels are "correct."  I have a "disorder" as opposed to a disease.  To me, a disorder is something that defies accurate classification as a disease or injury.  A disease, say diabetes, is a definitive diagnosis because it can be tested and treated.  Sure, the observations might be a hint a person has diabetes, and some of the same observations might indicate a person has depression.  Blood tests help make the determination of a diagnosis between the physical illness diabetes and a mental illness, or disorder, like depression.  

I decided to call my label collection "Fred."  I have no idea why I chose Fred instead of some other name, but it is easier to say, "Man, Fred is just being a pain today." than, "Man, I feel so horrid because of my [insert labels]."  People might ask me who Fred is, and then I can either explain and educate, or just say, "I'd rather not discuss Fred, thank you!"  People who know me learned to laugh with me.  Some people just think I'm strange.  Okay, so I'm strange, so go ahead and laugh.  Laughter makes the world a happier place!

JD                                                                                                                        5/29/2014

An Introduction To My Blog: Multifaceted Mirror

My Multifaceted Mirror: Learning and Living Bipolar 

Sharing My Experiences with a Bio-Psycho-Social Illness

A Brief Introduction

Hello, and welcome to my new blog, Multifaceted Mirror.  This is my first post on what I hope will become a useful tool to educate others, learn from others, help others, help myself, and, to the extent possible, have some good times. I do expect some controversy from time to time as many of my views seem unpopular with many people when my ideas are first encountered, but the reasons behind my thoughts will be made clear over time.  I will share my strengths, weaknesses, experiences, coping skills, hobbies, and other facets of my life.  Just about everything has at least two "sides" when it comes to how I am impacted, some sides are positive at times, other negatives at times, and, of course, some are wildly transient.  At times, like now, I will simply write "stream of thought," and other times my writing will have a much more professional or scholarly tone.   I often go by the nickname "JD," and that is perhaps the best way to address me; someday I might start to use my "real" name.  

What is a Bio-Psycho-Social Illness?

I few years ago, I decided I much preferred the term "Bio-Psycho-Social Illness" over "Mental Illness."  The two are equivalent in common usage by many people, including the general public, health professionals, government, and corporations, most notably the insurance industry in my opinion.  When I look at my history with my illness, and the histories of other people with the illnesses I have gotten to know over the years, I found that we all share something in common. Our symptoms and characteristics which define our diagnoses, or "labels," are multifaceted:

• Biological factors are involved, whether neurochemical, endocrine, traumatic brain injury (TBI), or differences in brain structure.  These are PHYSICAL, not mental.
• Psychological components involve how we think.  All people have some type of thinking issues, not just those with "mental illnesses."  From my perspective, mental illness is part of the human condition!
• Social influences, whether past or current, have much to do with our thought patterns.  We often learn them from our parents, siblings, peers, and in school, and much is unhealthy.  For many, this is the most sinister aspect of the illness.

The term "Bio-Psycho_Social Illness" still is not a great name, but for me, at least, it is better than "mental illness."  Another I have heard is "brain disorder," and I do not like that at all.  Until it is possible to actually give specific diagnoses based on hard data instead of just observations, I feel the terminology will always be rather poor at best, and very destructive at worst.

I did not create the term.  I was reading an article in a journal in my psychiatrist's office one day, and the doctor who wrote the article seemed to be the one who coined the name.  His view, which I already shared, was that many problems involving stigmatization and discrimination will not go away as long as "mental illness" is  used as it is currently.  

More Information about What To Expect

I hope to write on many topics, and I also hope I can post at least several times a week.  I will share coping skills I have learned, recipes, poetry, art, assorted things I have written, discuss medications and symptoms, try to respond to comments with articles, and share whatever else I know or learn I feel might be useful in some way.  Work, health, and other issues affect how much time I can spend on this project, though, perhaps, someday I will earn some income from being an advocate.  

Thank you for taking the time to read my introduction, and I hope you will return and share some more!

JD                                5/29/2014